Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2019-08-01 - 14:12:00
Cook up an eclectic range of delicious noms with these impressive kitchen appliances.
Upright kebab grill £10 - grills up to 10 small kebab skewers deliciously evenly as mini rotating donner kebab style deliciouses, which cook deliciously evenly as you watch. Often used to make Persian liver kebabs (uncanonically with pork liver) by me. It has been cleaned to remove the liveriness if you prefer more boring meats like chicken.
Slicer £10 - Turns boring and uninteresting enormous blocks of the finest, most Canadian cheddar (or rather the Canadian cheddar that someone else deals with the customs clearance for, which is significantly younger than 10 years old) into slices of cheese. Can also do other types of stuff that are food related such as maple cured bacon.
Ice Cream maker £5 - Chill the thing that you put the ice cream in, add your ice cream mixture and churn, voila, ice cream. Makes delicious ice cream with normal ingredients like truffles and porcini mushrooms, as well as exotic things like vanilla. Also does sorbets too.
Fan heater Free - Make yourself much warmer with this fan heater. Not so useful at the moment, but when it's -273.15 in January, this will give you a bit of warmth.
The way to combine all of these accessories into one nom is to use the slicer to slice some slices of homemade bacon, thread these slices onto skewers, then chop finely and mix with maple syrup and egg yolk custard to create an ice cream mix for a delicious maple and bacon ice cream. You can then sit and eat the ice cream in front of the fan heater to increase the ice cream experience.
These are much loved and I'm only selling them because I will shortly have to use a different flavour of electricity which these will be displeased with.
If you would like any of them, please email me and I'll be pleased to sell them to you.
2019-07-30 - 20:09:00
I have an EasiYo Yoghurt Maker to give away. You put a powder of EasiYo mix into the yoghurt creating vessel, fill it with water, shake it, then pour boiling water into the outer fermentation vessel upto the top of the thing that sits in the thing, put the creating vessel into the fermentation vessel, close the lid, and a few hours later you have yoghurt.
I can assure you these instructions make sense if you actually look at the contraption.
It also works with store bought bio yoghurt and milk.
I'm giving it away because the sachets will attract a 245% import tariff when I return to my home and native land, as opposed to the mere 8% that they incur in the UK.
If you would like it, please email me and I will be pleased to give it to you.
2019-06-25 - 11:40:12
Although the weather might be scorchingly hot now, a contact of mine in the foreign and commonwealth office tells me this won't last long due to the imminent implementation of the brexit plan that involves towing the United Kingdom from the North Atlantic to the South Pacific and building an extremely long tunnel between Northern Ireland (in its new location) and the Republic of Ireland, which will make for the possibility of really exciting road trips!
As this is going to be commencing this week, it is likely that during the height of the northern hemisphere summer Britain will actually be south of Tierra del Fuego, and so monumentally cold (although Argentinian wine will be cheaper for a few weeks due to lower shipping costs).
Due to this you might really like this fan heater. It's like a fan, but it makes things warm. As the impending cold is impending soon, you might want to be prepared, as once Britain becomes one of the coldest places in the world and supply chains have gone silly due to the dynamic nature of Britain's geographic location, there will be a shortage of apparatus to make oneself warm.
If you would like this basic fan heater, please email me () and I will be most pleased to give it to you.
2019-05-16 - 16:00:00
There are like, ramekins, just, absolutely everywhere, they're all over the place as though some demonic ramekin laden afterlife for the evil had spawned into the real world and started flooding the world with ramekins. For that is how many there are, such is the ramekenicity of the quantity of ramekins.
There are glass ramekins and clay ramekins, you can take your pick.
They're mostly from desserts that I've bought during my existence, but they're quite nice so it would be a shame to throw them away if someone had a use for them as ramekins.
If you would like any of these, just email me and tell me how many you want and I'll see if I can find that number in the giant mountain of ramekins.
Note, these are ramekins, and should not be confused with Ramachandran plots, which are a way of predicting protein sequence secondary structure.
2019-05-09 - 15:17:00
IAAF regulations specify that a senior men's discus should be 2kg, and a senior women's discus be 1kg.
These disci are significantly lighter than this which means that my army of discus throwers that are going to specifically win the discus at the Olympics will be poorly equipped. Plus I prefer the hammer throw, or even better the C1 1000m!
However a fascinating thing happened when I placed these disci into the optical drive of my computer, I ended up with audio, and audiovisual entertainment, which is very good.
They also come with boxes which tell you some stuff about the contents of the disci.
Please see attached lists for the disci. All disci are £1 unless otherwise stated. If you would like any of them, please email me and I will be pleased to sell them to you.
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