Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2017-06-09
Jacks are notorious things, being famous as Monterrey Jack, Jack the Ripper, Jacques Villeneuve, Jacques Chapdelaine, Jack Black, Car Jack and all the various other forms of Jack, being notorious in their notoriety.
Because of their infamy, I stuffed this Jack into a Pack, thus creating a Jack in a Pack, in order to constrain the Jack and keep it safely away from doing damage to the surroundings.
The Jack in a Pack is quite old, but I believe still works, its colour is black, size large, and I can bring it into work next week if anyone would like it.
If you would like it, please email me
2017-06-07
One of my diabolical schemes is to take over not only the country, but the universe, and the entire time frame of the universe too, thus becoming the lord of not only all that could be surveyed, but all that ever was or ever will be surveyed. In order to do this, I require immortality, faster than light travel, and time travel, which are three particularly challenging tasks for science.
Fortunately, there are three mad professors of cutting edge universe conquering science sitting in a cave deep in L'Ardeche valley, coming up with exactly the technology required, so I have been learning French with Duolingo in order to converse with these fine and maniacal French scientists in their evil lair. Since they've been dedicating themselves to my plot to take over the universe, they haven't been able to learn English.
As I'm a few days away from completing the French Duolingo course, it would really help if there were any French speaking groups locally to help me practice and extend my French speaking abilities. Or as they say in L'Ardeche: mon abilites au parler Francais.
Does anyone speak French locally who could help me practice?
I promise that upon acquisition of the universe everyone will get as much toffee sauce as they can imagine, along with a generous quantities of meringues and maple syrup. I'm particularly planning building a toffee sauce pool so that people can eat toffee at lunchtime. I find that more conventional leaders take things too seriously, so why not have a regime where everything is silly and covered in toffee instead?
If you can help me speak French and advance the progress towards a toffee covered past, present and future then please email me I appreciate that being not rolling in toffee at the moment means that my plans to take over the universe will fail at some point, but speaking French would help me converse with my girlfriend's family.
2017-05-30
This bottle capper will help you make beer cheese...
A particularly delicious and tasty nom nom food that comes from the USA is beer cheese. A most delicious garlicky, cheesy spread that spreads deliciousness across your toast, significantly improving your happiness in your toast eating. Yum, delicious.
Unfortunately beer cheese imported directly from the USA isn't allowed due to some laws about manufacturing regulations and compliance to EU standards legal something or other thingy, and I don't know of any commercial importers, meaning beer cheese, like cheese curds, are difficult to get hold of.
But that's where the bottle capper comes in! You can make your beer cheese at home using beer! Because your first batch of beer cheese you'll want to try a small amount because you'll understandably be suspicious of its alleged deliciousness, you won't need a full bottle of beer, this bottle capper will allow you to reseal the bottle, and you can try making a little bit of beer cheese in preparation for making large batches, because you'll love the beer cheese so much that it will become a routine part of your life for that is how delicious it is.
If you would like the bottle capper to help you get started with beer cheese, or even home brew, please email me.
If you would like to make beer cheese, then you need:
1 large block of mature/smoked cheddar (preferably Canadian)<br>Beer<br>Liquid smoke<br>Seasonings (garlic, black pepper, whiskey seasoning, maple syrup, onion powder, bacon seasoning, tabasco sauce, mustard, honey are all excellent in appropriate combinations and amounts)
1. Grate your cheese
2. Add your seasonings and liquid smoke to taste
3. Add the beer slowly to the seasoned cheese mixture and blend until it is a smooth spreadable paste. If the texture is too crumbly, add more beer, if it is too runny add more cheese. If there is enough beer to get drunk on you have added far too much beer and have made cheese beer instead.
4. Spread your beer cheese on toast, top burgers with it, eat it with a spoon, dip things into it, however you eat it, it's delicious.
5. Be happy and smiley for the rest of your life.
2017-05-26
Zooooooooom! Boing! The balls go boing boing and bounce their way down the stairs in the Olympics bouncy ball racing, where next year, your heroes like Red bouncy from Canada will defend its Olympic title against the challenge from world champion yellow hazoc from Sweden. It's like downhill skiing, only bouncier and less cold!
Recreate all the excitement of Olympic bouncy ball racing in your home with this bouncy ball ramp! And watch as the bouncy balls bounce down your stairs and destroy wedding photos, Ming vases and precious family heirlooms during their competition to be crowned the ultimate bouncy ball.
Alternatively, if unlike me you are sensible, this is a Ikea Dagotto ergonomic footrest. Unfortunately my computer desk isn't entirely compatible with it.
If you are interested in it, it is for sale for �5, please email me.
2017-05-24
Did your favourite soccer team get relegated? Miss out on the champions league? Sell your favourite player to the Woolwich Arsenals? Do you need something to take your frustration out on before the start of CFL next month when hopefully your team will cheer you up by making the playoffs (and hopefully get beaten by the Alouettes de Montreal)?
Well I have found yet more bubble wrap!
Where does this stuff come from?!
It's excellent for stress relief, but it's more useful for packing breakable things, which is its specific purpose. Whereas crushing coconuts is for extreme stress relief, alternatively making home cured bacon is a means of stress relief that turns your stress into delicious bacon and provides a continuous flow of stress relief as you watch that pork joint wither away as the curing shrinkage takes hold, giving you an intense feeling of satisfaction as you watch that pork slowly turn into bacon.
If you would like to take this bubble wrap, please email me
Navigate the Directory