Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2017-05-10
One of the things pieces of furniture find most entertaining is playing "the floor is lava", which is a most excellent game whereby the furniture pretends that the floor is in fact lava, as opposed to more usual floor materials, such as carpets, tiles or the wooden decking that is more usual in more exciting environments such as pirate ships.
My computer desk was banned by all the other computer desks from playing the floor is lava unfortunately, because my computer desk used to cheat.
Since my computer desk wants to play the floor is lava again, the castor cups it used to use are no longer necessary, but it has to get rid of them in order to rejoin its furniture friends in playing the floor is lava.
If you would like your furniture to cheat on the floor is lava, or just want to protect your floors from scratching caused by castors, then I have a set of 4 castor cups free to a good home.
Please email me if you are interested.
2017-05-09
Do you have someone in your humble abode (or even your mighty castle) who is somewhat reluctant to wake up?
Do you also lack a water meter?
Well, a good way of waking such a sleeping beauty up is to use a bucket!
23 litres of water is more than sufficient to soak them, they'll then wake you up, and being as it's rather a large quantity of water, they'll be mildly displeased with you, and chase you, furiously with a pillow that they'll be swinging around in incoherent rage (quite understandably I might add, if I was dreaming about eating a large amount of taleggio and was woken so rudely from my slumber I'd be displeased too). In order to protect yourself from the pillow wielding vigilante, you'll need to go running, so you'll get some exercise too, which is very good for your health.
Unfortunately I'm going to get a water meter fitted so I sadly can't justify using that much water for such purposes.
This 23 litre bucket is also perfect for fermenting beer, if you give it a decent clean that is! I wouldn't recommend waking anyone else up by throwing beer over them though!
If you would like it, please email me
2017-05-05
Racing bouncy balls down stairs is incredibly fun, especially if you have stairs, which are a useful, fun, and most of all bouncy addition to bouncy ball racing courses.
I have an IKEA Dagotto bouncy ball starter ramp, you line up your bouncy balls at one end (using the grooves to ensure they're all level), place your bets, and lift the ramp and watch as your bouncy ball heroes bounce down the stairs and boing their way through your house, destroying wedding photos, priceless Ming vases and the Mona Lisa on their way down.
It also functions as a footrest, which is nice and ergonomic for your feet, that is, if unlike me you're normal and don't have weird ankles that are weird.
If you would like it, please email me
2017-05-05
With election season underway, it's very easy to become stressed due to the increasing incidence and prominence of politicians, who have managed to push other less stressful items like soccer or cooking from the news.
I myself relieve stress by crushing entire coconuts with my bare hands, 1 coconut in each hand and boom, no more coconuts.
However, I realise a more normal way of alleviating stress might be painting, or popping bubble wrap.
To help you de-stress, I have some bubble wrap to give away. Bubble wrap is great because you can pop each little bubble and enjoy its destruction (in the least psychotic way possible), and unlike coconuts, you don't cover your floor with coconut water, so its both safe, and non messy.
It's also great for packing breakable things. The bubbles help things not break during transit, although I wouldn't recommend using it for this purpose after using it for stress relief.
If you would like the bottle wrap, just email me and I will bring it in for you.
2017-05-02
I have some IKEA bits any pieces to attach to the wall in my bathroom, and some really strong glue. And when I say strong, I mean so strong that I have to go to a special shop in the clanger munching land of Bedfordshire to buy it from a special shop where they sell extreme DIY apparatus and are next to a pub with the strongest beer you will ever see in a pub.
Sadly, even this mega glue isn't strong enough to hold up bathroom accessories. But that's why I have a masonry drill!
Unfortunately the thought of me using a masonry drill is so terrifying for residents of Salisbury that this should be avoided if possible. Plus some of the holes I'd need to drill are above my head.
I could resolve the holes above my head problem if someone has a small stepladder I could borrow. Alternatively, to prevent the horror of me wielding a masonry drill (and unleashing an evil macabre laugh as I do so) if anyone knows (or is) a really useful person who could do this for a reasonable price (and not destroy the wall, because I like the wall) that would be great.
If anyone can suggest anything, please email me
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